GARETH KEENAN INVESTIGATES

peter pan complex

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:44:18 GMT

dont want to grow up.

don't get it twist it or thread it

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:16:57 GMT

weird mood. schools over, aced my SATS. go team tina.

junior year's end

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 22:30:04 GMT

so junior year's ending.. as it was bound to at some point or another. i just feel like the rugs been pulled from underneath me. we were expecting to finish the year with these grueling exams or whatnot. no that's not the case and i dont really know what to do with myself. i have work, but not really, but yes, so im this strange limbo of sorts. oy.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 22:58:56 GMT

nothing works anymore.

im really bad at this....

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:16:15 GMT

well folks it turns out im also not all that phenomenal at diary writing.... grr... i think it has to do with the fact that junior year saps the capacity for intrapersonal reflection (yes, intrapersonal is a real word so stop underlining it with red!)

missing in action

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:00:15 GMT

yeah... i haven't been around recently. but may i explain myself: i've gotten a diary, which is all the more private and intimate than webspace can ever promise to try to be. The try in that sentence in deliberate. But for the random people that stumble on this page: I've changed a lot, I'm changing a lot, I don't like it but if I talk about it here I'll end up revealing way more about myself than I would ever like... So i'm off to hunt for music tonight. M83 concert tonight! (When did I start using fucking exclamation points?)

P.S.: Maybe I've been really lazy recently because someone told me that in twenty years I'd be hyper-into blogging and the thought was so scary my subconscious conveniently erased the memory of my livejournal's existence...? Maybe..? (I'll probably be back more often since I'm getting back into music)

P.P.S.: Maybe I will be really into blogging in the future, you know, to fight for some greater political/intellectual cause or another. But, I say this for my own sanity, I need to figure out and learn quite a few things about myself and the world around me, which I can only do comfortably and intimately in a more private setting.(i.e... diary)

i am a lard.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:34:51 GMT

so yeah, i really suck at this whole livejournal thang. i mean, i got a real, solid moleskin journal, so all attempts to really keep this up are sort of futile. well, as i was gloating before, I got a new laptop which was pretty cool and now I'm just ridiculously free-loading music. Woo, great. Okay, now I have to go add in a little tidbit to my journal that is too explicit for livejournal's virgin eyes.

Tata

happy times

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 20:43:38 GMT

soooo suckaahzz... i got a new computer and let me tell you it is quite a bundle of fun. im planning on keeping this bad boy for a couple of years (at least through college) and i am quite the fan of this. okay i need to some of the stupid bullshit installation crap but ill be back to gloat!!

this is getting moldy

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:52:58 GMT

yeah, my livejournal feels a little musty to me. i figure i'll start converting it more or less exclusively to a music blog, since that's what i really got this thing for. and ugh, im realizing what a rude, rude freeloader im becoming. i need to start commenting and telling people the shit i take. oh, i got a journal so i wont be writinga bout my feelings anymore. toodles emotional livejournal.

Teach me your legs

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 05:22:23 GMT

okay so a couple hours later im feeling much better. keep in mind this is after a pretty fucking awesome faint concert, the line up of which was fucking solid gold. no exaggeration. concert run down: okay, first opener (high five -- i think) was solid enough... for an opener. the last part can speak for itself. the second opener -- shy child, was edging on talentless and unoriginal but they had pretty solid group chemistry and a solid enough understanding of how to do what has already been done before. okay, maybe that was harsh but, whatever. so the faint took about a century and a half to come on stage and my feet were falling off at that point. but the minute they walked on i forgot all about it. i mean, the delay was clearly related to some alcohol/shrooms/acid/ecstasy induced accident. the guitarist, dapose, was fucked beyond belief. he probably smoked something laced before which caused the delay because this "motherfucker" (as the lead singer todd fink so endearingly addressed the audience) looked like he was seeing fucking goblins or something. all that aside, the crowd energy was phenomenal, the songs were golden (the encore was: paranoiattack, the geeks were right, and glass danse) and overall, i fucking love the faint. which looking at the music ive been getting really into recently, is a little bit out of tune with my more mellow "palette", if you may. also, as im looking for a new dell im thinking of streamlining my music since im scrolling through the shit i have now and most of it is stupid shit that i thoguth sounded remotely good. NO MY FRIENDS, this computer it is about quality over quantity. so ill be putting up a list of bands i want to keep and bands i want to download since im trying to avoid overcrowding this computer with too much of the shit i want. oy.

Skools Out...

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:34:26 GMT

My mom needs to die. I hate taking vacations with her. The basic equation of this complaint is: Vacation + Mom = STRESS.... ugh she's such a stupid feces monster.

she's got one magic trick...

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:49:07 GMT

HAHAHAHAH... good morning pre calculus. i got my schedule: d'apolito, reudy, donhauser, anderson, connor and lang. im really really happy but i want to switch into Theater III sooo we'll see how that goes. my granny is in the hospital. =[ she'll be okay though all right homeslizzos im going to gooo

YES

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:21:52 GMT

VICTORY. IM GOING TO OF MONTREAL on OCTOBER 10TH! YES! I WIN! ... and with a bit of persuasion maybe ill even see BECK and MGMT (!!) the night before. UGH, I WIN AT LIFE!

oy yoy yoy yoy yay

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:38:39 GMT

I AM JANE AND I LOVE TO RIDE ELEPHANT. GO CHEETAH GET BANANA GO MONKEY GET FUNKY. sorry, im listening to really really shitty music. okay, so today i went to art class and conjured up the balls to finally do a portrait. and it went so well!! in the am... then i stayed ballsy and attempted to do the same in the pm and my painting looks like shit smeared on a canvas. im so depressed. ugh, whatever, it's just testament to the fact that i have soooooo much to learn about technique -- which i shall do starting in september!! so there is hope!! wooohooo.
so i ran into my friend at american apparel (which has started collecting some pretty awesome vintage shiznat of late, btw) and its such a good deal! im trying to figure out when would be a good time to do it... i was thinking second semester senior year through the summer until i went to school. gigitty gigitty. ugh! i would love to do it next summer but im definitely doing RISD since its been my dream for the longest time andUGH... so conflicted.

I watched kill bill volume 1 last night: EPIC, SO GOOD, WAAH! im going to watch volume 2 once i get home and that too, will be AWESOME. oh and tomorrow i have to go return all my library books... mehehehe.... okee im goign to go, tata

i get lonesome

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 02:41:07 GMT

Main Ideas: Exhausted, pumped for art class because I have the coolest art teacher ever, I got 5s on all 3 APs... I'm golden. I want to go to Williams now (a little premature... whatever)

'cause they'll never stop hanging around

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:31:48 GMT

    SPOON WAS PHENOMENAL. OMG OMG OMG, i just got home and although i had to go alone (long story which really doesn't matter since they were so AMAZING) it was THE best concert i've ever been to. i mean, i don't go to enough concerts to articulate better, but the lead singer's energy was great and the opening band, White Rabbits (which I like twenty million times more - they have two very hot drummers who have incredible band chemistry and they're kind of a darker vampire weekend in their prepiness), got on at one point and helped Spoon out and it was so cute. Except I think the lead guitarist in White Rabbits got a little overenthusiastic because he wouldn't get off the stage and Spoon's drummer like had to skewer him off the stage with his drum stick, lol. Spoon played SUCH a good set of songs; I have to get the full one from Eddie since I can't remember them all but all the songs they chose kept the crowd going. UGH! and the lighting was so great and so Spoon. And at the end, the drummer told the technician to give his drumstick to this little boy who had been in the front row the entire show and ugh, it was so cute and dreamy. Basically I'm going to go to sleep and have fuzzy dreams even though I didn't shower and have to wake up an hour earlier to do so to get the copious amounts of beer off my right foot.



    Anyways, I've been getting really into Dizzee Rascal recently. I don't know what part of me is so attracted to his music, but he's very honest and quirky in his own London gangster way... I really suck at articulating but whatever.

My esophagus really, really hurts. I don't know why, it's really scary. On a lighter topic, I went to Bloomies and I've been inspired to go through my entire wardrobe and clean it out. I'm going during sale season and buying all these new jeans and whatnot. OH! Reminder to self: actually get those Sperry Topsiders before everyone else gets them. I planned my junior year studying in 20 minutes. It's going to SUCK... I'll put up my list in a private post. Whatever, all I have are concerts to save my sanity (about which, my mom assumes that I will be coming home right after them my junior year... mom they end at 10:30 don't be retarded, I'm an upperclassman)

tick tick tick

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 02:35:06 GMT

    WOO! I'm currently downloading the new Beck album, albeit a little belated... I'm so excited for him to go on tour, I heard he was epic.


On the top of concerts I saw Feist on Wednesday.... phenomenal. She was just so cute and perfect and I wish I had posted earlier so that I could capture my enthusiasm a little better. So. Cute.

    Anways, what has been going on recently? Oh, well art class is getting better and better although my recent still life kind of looked like poop and I restarted about four times. My mom had heart palpatations last night because she's anemic =[ But she's all right and the same old mommy I love. Oh well, I'm not really in a talkative mood right now and I'm really happy and although there are many things I could bitch about they really are not significant so WHO CARES.

Upcoming Concerts - 09/20 - 10/05: Stars, Ratatat, Hot Chip (maybe even Tokyo Police Club on the 18th but that's 18 and over and I don't have an ID... yet....)

Tomorrow: Read American Dream and The Goat, or Sylvia by Edward Albee. Watch Kill Bill I & II

me and my girl got to get to heaven

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:48:36 GMT

Just came back from 8 hours of art. Count them: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 !! Whatever, it's so much fun and I'm getting better. And yes it's probably the most intense thing that I've ever done... but I could actually do it for the rest of my life. Except for that I suck at composition and anatomy so i just work on color when i paint... ugh. I look around and everyone is so amazing and I go, "Geeze, I wonder how long it will take me to get THAT good. " And I realize: I can get there, but I'm going to have to bust my balls a hell of a lot before I get there. Goal: Paint like Lucian Freud and think like Francis Bacon (yeah, yeah, they were friends, okay, I get it, I'm typical)

Such Ballers....

(More on Lake Brant and my junior year worries in my post later tonight. What can i say? I'm a loser. Btw, Kill Bill Marathon probably... even though I really should be going to the gym....)

what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 04:07:07 GMT

I AM FINISHED! DONE! FINITO! Sophmore year = over. And instead of going out sake bombing, I've elected to sit at home in my fat ass and reading Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, download some new music and continue on my never ending quest to beat my high score in Snood. Tonight has been fantastic. As will the next four days because I will be spending them in a magical cloud of oblivion. Mehehehe. So of late, meaning like the last hour or two, I've been in a fantastic schmastic mood. I kind of came to the epiphany that drinking really isn't my thing and getting high is best done in very small groups of people or on my own. So basically I'm looking at a pretty solitary lifestyle of self medication, or just going out and not really doing anything which is my current plan of attack. Woo.

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm spending yet another summer in the hot, miserable city of Nueva York. In a vague attempt of consolation, I've created a list of movies I need to watch (Pulp Fiction, Fight Club and Clockwork Orange being key players) and a few authors I feel like I should become better acquainted with (Rushdie, Woolf, Salinger, Vonnegut, Wilde, Nabokov) so that I can come back into the school year just a little more informed. I also plan on starting to read the Economist every week. You got it. Every. Week. I figured I should really find some way to get me out of moping about my own world. Reading and watching lots of movies seems like a pretty good plan. So that's basically all I really have to say. I'm off to go and hunt down more music. Speaking of music my plan this summer is to get up to 10,000 songs and spending most of my summer becoming quite well acquainted with it. MWAHAHAHA. 'Till later, my schnookies

self deprecation, more or less

Tue, 20 May 2008 04:24:02 GMT

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. okay, im too tired to write anything, ill come back tomorrow.

TOO MUCH LATIN

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:35:30 GMT

ugh, i have translated a grand total of 400 lines tonight. that's a rough approximation (maybe even a little overestimation) but still, it's a ball sack. so saturday i met up with a friend of mine (takeout) and we were talking about how our respective APs went (she took history too), and in the middle of the conversation this sinking feeling set in that the possibility of getting a 3 on that test was very, very real. i've been trying not to throw myself over a bridge at the thought, but maybe this means i should actually get my shit together and start fucking working. oh well, that's what next year is for. BUT, this relates to latin because i really should be working and getting closer to a five (so i can get at least one) instead of bitching to a more or less retarded blog about my feelings. the painters came in today (haha, the georgia nicholson series) thus explaining my state of supreme pissy-ness recently. i wonder when my hormones will finally stabilize.

    so shakespeare is over, and guess what buddies? I CRIED! like a baby too. i feel so absolutely pointless without having a play to do, although auditions for the fall play are coming right around the corner. ughghghghgh. but when i look back on the last two plays, i remember sort of hating the entire process but liking it at the end of the day. i really do enjoy being in front of an audience, but for pity's sake, it gets tiring to sit in practice and to be directed in fifty different directions. not to mention, i HATE, absolutely DESPISE, inefficient people. get your shit together and i will take you seriously. if not, there is the door and i will walk out of it if you keep on wasting my fucking time. phew, anyways, the main thing is that im happy i did play even though i was sort of miserable for most of it. the only thing that makes me really happy is tech (what a power trip). i also think about all the times i would just sit backstage and be absolutely asocial and play klondike for hours on end. i kind of like being asocial, but it's a situation where i wish i could just flip it off and have all the friends in the world. i mean, everyone feels like that. but i can't stand being lonely. i have to be asocial around people, i.e. im happy being shy and awkward in a big group of people but i go nuts in isolation. if only i could be less fickle.

    so what happened this weekend....? oh yes, cast party. i cannot hold my mj at all. next to nothing of the worst stuff ever and i was running around beebee's apartment dragging a mop behind me. not to mention, when her parents came home i hid behind a reeses pieces cereal box so they wouldn't notice my eyes. ugh, what a tard. the night was basically me running around the upper west side trying ot find my friend then going to the park and doing the dandy. i look back over my weekends over the last two monthes and they are the weirdest things ever. EVER. i end up in the most random bizarre places. i enjoy it, but i look back on it and i can't help but feel lonely. im not quite sure why, but the bizarreness of them all just illustrates how life is just this big game of chance and the odds of happiness and whatnot are so high that you can't help but feel lost sometimes. im also just incredibly pissed at myself at all times becuase i never seem to be able to please anyone and whenever i do spend time with people i feel like im just irking them. i understand, this is all typical teenage paranoia, but since when has the fact that something was typical and everyone was going through the same thing any REAL solace? NEVER. im starting to dislike how im reluctant to mention specifics of things, because its when im specific that im the most introspective (even though very few people REALLY see me when im being all that introspective) and that's the point of this whole shebang anways?

    i keep on trying to find a point where there isn't one. i understand that everything is more or less meaningless, but i can't internalize it which is the point of understanding those things. because when i actually internalize it, (hopefully) my actions will be more consciously geared toward my own fulfillment and happiness, instead of those of others. on the same note, humans are all pretty self-serving by design as existence really is the fight for survival, so we'll step on each other no matter what. think about it, even martyrs were being kind of self-serving in the sense that the sacrifice they made was also the reassurance of their glory. but then again, you have people who commit suicide. in a weird, twisted way one could argue that they were martyrs too. that's aside the point. what im trying to say is that i want to better understand what makes me happy and get the balls to do it, you know? just stop being dependent on other people for happiness, which is also kind of embedded in human nature since we're relative creatures. i think about what im doing to actively pursue my happiness, and i realize that the only thing is probably theater 25% of the time and art 90% of the time but my teacher is satan, so that deduces it to about 45% when im in the privacy of my house painting everything in my vicinity.

    humans are always waiting for happiness. we expect it just to show up when its expected and to stay for a much longer time than it ever does. i think about how i cycle through depression and elation. i never can quite pinpoint what exactly is it that makes me happy, but i can always pinpoint what's causing my depression: 1) chemical imbalance 2) running away from stuff i refuse to face and 3) dissatisfaction with other people which ultimately translates into dissatisfaction with myself. if i only i wasn't so nit-picky and stopped trying to convince myself that i could really do it and be the worlds most perfect human being. i dont know where this drive for perfection came from, either. my parents, although they're pretty fucked up individuals who more or less fail at being emotionally guides, don't ever really pressure me to be perfect, even though ive used that insult to get to them. it's so funny to think about what humans will say and not mean when they're angry, drunk or upset. when i lie, it's generally aimed to hurt people; sometimes ill use it to save my ass, but i tend towards honesty because being told what a shithead i am is something that, in a really weird, masochist kind of way, i enjoy. whatever, it's unimportant right now, latin calls. tata

no sleep tonight

Fri, 09 May 2008 04:28:20 GMT

i suck at sleeping. you think i, being a fat lard, would be excellent at it. this, my friend, is quite untrue. whenever i get upset i stop doing work, eat way too much frozen yogurt, start skipping meals and DON'T SLEEP. i have the history AP tomorrow; quite frankly, i don't really give a damn because studying would only make my already waning mental health deteriorate to a new level. fuck, there goes any hope of a five (even though there never was any in the first place). i was thinking about the fundamental reasons for why i get like this and i remembered what my friend, whom i will refer to as thomas the toy engine, or TTE, said to me. he said,"just bottle it up and stop thinking. girls suck because all they do is think about their problems and talk about them on the phone with other girls." this my friend, is very true. but of late ive ditched the phone and started using my ipod and brooding all the time. it's a pretty antisocial habit and im starting to notice the repercussions.

    whenever i think about modern technology, i automatically start wondering about the people that hide behind their computers (im definitely thinking of a specific person) or their respective mp3 players. they probably would feel even more trapped than they do now. so basically, i conclude that the suicide rate would be significantly higher without technology. maybe it'll go down as we get even more and more isolated. that idea reminds me of fahrenheit 451 where the wife just surrounds herself by tv. as a hater of tv, i wonder how that sort of consumption by modern technology and media would manifest themselves. i would probably just live in a room made out of speaker walls that just knew what i wanted to listen to. with that and a bag of the happies, i would be eternally pleased.

    but you see, that's human nature. we're always looking for ways to self-medicate and get out of facing the shit that's around us. even the people that face their problems and "grab the bull by their balls" aren't really doing anything. the proactive nature of their actions gives them a sense of accomplishment and progress. guess what? IT DOESNT EXIST, GO SUCK OFF A CHODE. on a similar note, ive turned forks onto the dark side. she's so much more cynical nowadays (i.e. hating everyone, kind of like me). maybe i haven't turned her to the dark side, and its just the natural cycle of things. humans are bound to start hating everyone around them after they realize how sick, pathetic and disgusting they all are. unfortunately this happens between the years of 14 - 18 when hormones are hitting and we're coerced into socialization. the result is a big fiasco of hate and unpleasantness. with the hormones comes the awkwardness.

    AWKWARDNESS! what a funny, funny topic. so, a little schpiel on the chronicle's of my "dolor" concerning monsieur cobweb (new nickname). so basically cobweb spun the story to Muff so that it came off like i was being the awkward one. in the universe of moi-meme, it's pretty mutual but whatever. and i realize that the terribleness and his loathing of me are really pissing me off (i realize they shouldn't, but the fact of the matter is that they do and i have to act taking that into account at all times) and that in order to restore myself to a remotely bearable state of misery (don't worry, its not just men, im not that pathetic) i need to fucking fix this. unfortunately, when one hates another, no matter what another does, one will spin it to make the action appear like a crime against humanity. so basically, im fucked.

    okay, im sorry livejournal. ill try to stop being such a negative nancy. but it's hard (not to mention, ill probably stop writing once im in a better mood, i kind of use this page as my emotional punching bag since friends consistently fail to fulfill the role, although i can't blame them) aaand im lazy. so basically you'll be getting a lot more of this.

p.s. how terrifying would it be if i had this until i was like 32. if i update this when im 32, oh livejournal, you will know that i've officially failed life. or maybe not (but in all honesty, i think 32 year olds should be able to get their shit together well enough to not need juvenile venues like this, but i also kind of strike myself as the kind who'd end up a really really naive middle-aged individual with a really severe peter pan complex.)

"the only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits." - alberto einstein

Wed, 07 May 2008 00:26:46 GMT

shit. i hit the delete button by accident so all of my wonderfully enlightening bitching was deleted. oh poo. i said something about how my two friends were mad at me for missing the latin scan off, which i never agreed to doing in the first place, and how i refuse to succumb to their repeated guilt-tripping. but whatever, ca c'est dans le passe et la vie doit continuer, n'est-ce pas? okay, enough french. oh and then i mentioned something about my urges to run around in a sombrero and black lingerie whenever i listen to el guincho. im listening to the boy least likely to, and not going to lie, that also invokes odd urges (this time im wearing lots of tye-dye paraphenalia and running around in a headband, huh). OH AND THEN, was my mother's lovely text message: we need 2 talk not txt msg. last time i look we still live under d same roof. VERBATIM. and my mother wonders why we tease her for her english. where was i? oh yes, i don't know what i was thinking about but my mind started thinking about weather people. oh yeah, i said something about being half-awake and that reminded me of the difference between "partly clouded" and "partly sunny." and then weather people just reminded me of the speaker in chapel this morning. so basically, the whole of my high school got completely infantilized (don't think that's a word) by this lady, who had genuinely good intentions, teaching us how to get jobs. we're in high school, i really don't want to worry about this.

    but throughout her whole talk, to which i only semi-paid attention, i kept on envisioning myself being some really high powered investment banker who wore ridiculously high heels who made tons of money and had a more or less minimal sex life. the terrifying part is that i completely see that as a possibility. despite all my urges to be somewhat unconventional and my odd ways of going about that, i can see myself getting to lazy to break the mold and resigning myself to a lifetime of making fabulously large amounts of money and having absolutely no sex. until that day, ill just envision my "l'avenir" as one filled with adventure. let's cross our fingers.
    it was actually kind of weird, dr. simpson once described me as the beating heart of weirdness. i was truly flattered. i often get accused of trying to be weird, but i think it's more my active lack of filter on what comes out of my mouth. then he called me incredibly colorful and eclectic today. i wonder what teachers really mean when they say things like that. probably something along the lines of, "she really should stop dropping acid and i'd really appreciate it if she didn't leave class for 20 minutes each day to go empty what is apparently a shrinking bladder." but i'll never know. being a teacher requires a very high capacity for supreme superficiality and fakeness. imagine trying not to defenestrate the stupid asshole who falls asleep in the corner everyday. the thought alone makes me angry. there goes one career path.

    so madame washington state read my livejournal and her reaction: why are you so emo? i really couldn't tell you the answer, my friend. i've kind of always been pretty self-pitying and self-loathing and hypersensitive and irrational and melodramatic. it's a family trait. oh yes, family. haha, about that. forks said to me today, "it seems like you like your dad more and more nowadays and hate your mother." incorrect my friend, i hate my dad, but i'm starting to realize the horrific nature of my mother. and forks is right, when im critical, i am critical and everything that is wrong about you has no capacity to hide. she mentioned about something how this makes my life harder to live, and i agree, it really does. then it also raises the question of how people are just naturally more happy in the same way that some kids are naturally easier to raise (like my brother). so basically, i lost the genetic lottery, minus maybe my brains. okay, its time to fill my estomac with cold pasta and leftovers. a demain, mes choux!

download: ra ra riot, the zombies, tapes 'n tapes, santogold album, chester french, the moths, kubichek!

one AP down, only two more to go...

Tue, 06 May 2008 02:28:29 GMT

woo, okay, french ap is finito! go me. only history (death) and latin (bearable) to go. im kind of pissed at myself for letting myself slack so much on all this history nonsense, but alas that is life and i will go and kick myself repeatedly for it. idk, the french AP went well-ish. a five is definitely a possibility, considering madame G made it sound like you had to be francophonically autistic to not get a five, so i'm crossing my fingers. so what has been going on in the world of me that i will one day find important to introspect upon (even though that isn't even remotely close to being the right preposition, im exhausted and don't even bother with capitalization most of the time so worrying about this is kind of retarded)? oh right, my little bitch brother and mother. i despise my family with every fiber of my being. what's new, right? im just being a typically jaded teenager. BUT, i am a little irked at my brother for his monopolization of the computer upstairs and his cheeky little response to my complains that i need the computer with the desk next to it: "it's my room." actually, fatso, if i can recall i get first dibs on everything in this house considering i was the first one to exit my mother's uterus in this family, so no! I TAKE PRIORITY, ESPECIALLY SINCE IM A SOPHMORE AND YOURE A STUPID FAT 8TH GRADER WHO HAS NO MEANING IN THIS UNIVERSE. well, being in tenth grade doesn't really change much, but still, i win (i know, i'm being irrational and retarded, but im allowed to be ego-centric, it is MY livejournal).

so my wonderfully caring mother yells at me and says, "you're being what i like to call a total bitch." well, it's not like i haven't heard that once a week every week of my existence since i hit puberty. really mom, yiou should pick your insults, they might make them a little more effective and our relationship a little more bearable. THANK YOU! and then my wonderful neighbor (no sarcasm here) calls me and asks me to take "little friend" to school on wednesday because she has physical therapy or whatnot so i don't have to do it tomorrow. and so she starts asking me about life and i tell her about my unbearable work schedule (omitting that adjective, of course) and she asks me, "3 APS?! which ones?" and i tell her, "oh, latin, french and history." "YOU'RE TAKING A LATIN AP?" "Yes." "I'm going to get you a present." "No, you really don't have to me, my own family isn't bothering with it." "Well, any young woman that succeeds on her Latin AP deserves recognition." Well, I'm glad that someone appreciates my brain.

my mother always outdoes herself. so i picked up the phone for her and it was her friend Queenie (nickname, again) and ladidadida, i did the whole "hello? who is this? pardon? who? oh, okay. MOM!" so according to my mom's friend, my tone was incredibly rude. Well thanks, Queenie, why don't you just stay the fuck out of my business, okay? why don't you try taking an AP, knowing that you have five million other things to do, one of which includes going to your son's christening on a day I don't have any time, and acting completely peachy? hmmm? yeah, that's right. you would suck! YOU KNOW WHY? because you are just another one of my mother's five million middle-aged korean friends. so really, stop acting entitled and trying to boss me around, it's not going to work, i refuse to identify with you people! ugh. okay im done for the night, i have to go indulge in my nightly rounds of masochist activity... till tomorrow.

p.s. i realized that my scintillating last lines are lacking luster, i need to work on my little catchphrases, even though no one's really meant to be reading this. alas, there goes my constant awareness of those around me. ugh.

here comes the comeback

Sat, 03 May 2008 19:43:00 GMT

okay so of late, i've been looking over the years, trying to figure out how ive changed in order to predict what i may end up becoming, you know? but this task has been quite difficult considering i have no real record of how i was, other than my own personal perception which changes quite a bit. i used to have a xanga, but then that got deleted after i couldn't take the humiliation of re-reading it and cringing at my blatant immaturity. so i attempted to keep up with this thing at the beginning of this year (a flopped attempt, if you can't tell - i wonder who im referring to when i say "you") and i figured that next year is junior year and im going to need to vent like crazy with all the increased pressure. not to mention im in the city this summer taking art classes at art student's league, so i'll have lots of time to kill. and what better time to start this thing than now, while im crushed by a pile of work (3 APs - latin, french, history) and im becoming a social failure.

    okay, so what do i complain about first? OH, I KNOW! MEN and they're perpetual stupidity, ignorance and social autism. okay, so about an eon ago i hooked up with this kid who ill refer to as MR (i don't know why i bother using a nick name, everyone knows who it is). so the expected awkwardness ensued, maybe it was a little prolonged, but whatever. then things got better, we were able to acknowledge each other's existences. see, this would be completely normal and not a pity if we hadn't been friends, legitimate friends, before what i will term "america's greatest drunken fiasco." but whatever, so it's a pity that a friendship had to end because two teenagers were too socially retarded to get their shit together and act mature. so i would've dropped this all by now if he hadn't started hating me. he literally woke up one morning and thought to himself, "gee whiz, i think i'm just going hate her guts starting right this moment." and so he has and refuses to acknowledge my existence even though he's obligated to deal with me in some way or another considering a) we go to school with eachother and b) we're friends with the same people (although, and this is something i pride myself on in this situation, my social circle is far more expansive than his, thank you VERY much). so last night, after dinner with the columbians (again, im avoiding specific names) i met up with a mutual friend of ours, and guess who was there. yeah, you guessed it, the one and only MR. so they were being lame and i was like, "okay, i should probably go back to brooklyn if i want to have a legitimately good night" (which, i may add, DID NOT happen). and our mutual friend agreed. so MR stands up and is like, im going home and another friend (who i have other awkward stories about, but that's for another time and will definitely come up) is like, oh okay me too. and then i was like, "okay, definitely leaving too." and so i walk out of el parko to hail a cab, and i look behind me and MR has decided to sit back down and enjoy yet another cigarette. douchebag.

    so i got that out the way, there's a lot more i could say about that but realistically, when i reread this, i probably won't care enough to look at my in-depth analysis of the situation. the next thing? oh yes, my social retardation. basically, i've been being a really self-centered, shitty, distant friend whose moodiness is too confusing and bizarre to keep up with. not to mention im the most fickle person in the entire universe and i can never make up my mind as to what i want to do. and i'm getting the social climber thing quite a bit. fuck, you know? im usually just friends with everyone and that works, but i just realized that really, very few people know me well and all in all, i've spread myself way too thin. FUCK - the only word running through my head at this moment. this is frustrating to explain since i haven't been updating this journal, documentation thing, whatever, particularly frequently. doesn't matter, the specifics of what i'm referring to in these convoluted entries will eventually elucidate. so yeah, i suck at being a friend, more or less.

    Last, but not least, comes school work. i've become a lazy, lazy fucker. i stay up until 2 am and do no work. and you know what? i love it. but i also like school. i think stuff like phospholipids and schnell's law are genuinely interesting. so i care about school and i care about grades. what a dilemma, not. i need to get my shit together is the bottom line. not to mention, i can't work at home anymore so usually i just hide in my little coffee place and make myself slave. it's tres efficient, and im definitely doing it all the time next year. WOO! okay, so that wraps it up for today. ill be on tomorrow to talk about... work? french AP? shakespeare play? men? whatever, who knows.